bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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