Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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