I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
