He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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