Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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