You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
