my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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