this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
