I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i believe in u and ur pee
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
