I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
