well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
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he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
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Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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