we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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