If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
