i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
