I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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