drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
