there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
