I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
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I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
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I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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