So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
