You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Come see our sink grown plant.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?