just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.