And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
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we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
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Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something