So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
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Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It's blow job season.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD