Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
