On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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