I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
40s are totally the cure
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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