bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Sober January is a disaster.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
