Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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