If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
