Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
