I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
