New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
