You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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