im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
