I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
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