need another drink. this is the easiest way
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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