24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
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