Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
