My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
how does that bad decision feel?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
