i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
