Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
