Your face is a jimmy john
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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