So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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