We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
