Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
