I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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