I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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