I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
