i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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