what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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