one two three fourrrrnication!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
