I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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