Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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