I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
