Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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