Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
