capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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