What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
