can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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