she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
