I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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