"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
