Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
